something simple leads to another

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok at first i told my mom that i wanted to go Japan to visit my friends bro and sis there n their family but since its so short cause its only 5 days and the air-fare is expensive of course since i was looking forward to it and than she drops the bomb she always does and than now im not goin so of course i shed tears n she calls that throwin tantrum funny huh she told this.. SO WAT IF U PASS YOUR N LEVELS YOU FAILED YOUR O LEVELS, U DON DESERVE TO GO FOR NUTS YET U STILL WANT A HOLIDAY OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE ALL As YET THEY ARE POOR AND THEY TOO CANT GO ON A HOLIDAY GO GO IF TAT MAKES U SOO STRESSED UP AND UNHAPPY GO IM HAPPY U GO CAN REALLY GET RID OF YOU!! DON STRESS ME UP WITH ALL THESE OKIE GO GO!!! the worst part is the u don deserve to go part cause of my O Lvels than nw she talks bout me in my current school. yes i know its damn expensive im so sorry i wasted that much money of me but have u ever thought why did i not do well besides the not studyin part...cause you were part of it that made me feel so frustrated and i cried alot last year actually haha that was partly wat caused me not to study n the other was laziness....lol...i know this year is goin to be even more FUCKED up than last year because i just know it..such a bad start wat do u think...sometimes i wonder now im studyin hard enough for wat i say...for wat?? wat i gain?? i gain nothing i don gain a holiday at all...n when i said that i did not have a holiday since sec 1 she blowed up saying this: HOLIDAY! HOIDAY! WAT HOLIDAY DO U EVEN DESERVE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?? TELL ME DO U? than when i mentioned my n levels she got more angry than she tod me this i don like goin on holidays but if tat makes u soo sad n stressed than go ahead go ahead i don care i want to wash my hands of you and u make me disappointed..cause i cried... why must wat happened last year happen this year again hw long must i cry n cry before all this nonsense will stop?? are they just gonna force me into depresion again like last year where i had to cry everynight in my room and cut my self i feel like doin that u know but i rather smoke n study at least my brain will hurt due to too much studying haha i rather do that n i lve that hahahahahaha im cryin right now..it really hurts when she has to talk bout last year n i start rememberin all the hurt again...sigh....